The Loves of Your Life

Some years ago, a friend of mine was entering her menopause years and commented how she no longer was very interested in having sex with her husband. Now, just to put this into perspective, this is a healthy, active woman who adores her husband, and who has always been passionately sexual, in general before she met him and specifically for many years since they got together. There wasn't any hidden resentment or emotional reason why she didn't want to have sex anymore. She just didn't feel sexy. "They make a pill for that now, you know," I told her helpfully. "Yes, but you have to want sex enough to be motivated to take the pill," she replied, with impeccable Catch-22 logic.

It got me thinking about maturity and sex, and from there, about sex and love. In our modern culture, we are encouraged – nay, positively hounded – to stay sexually active our whole lives. Articles in women's magazines assure us that there is no need to ever feel a lessening or shift in sexual energy, and anyone who does feel that just isn't trying hard enough. I wondered if men feel this sort of societal pressure too, and was amused when I came upon an old book, dated around 1915, entitled What Every Man Over 45 Should Know. Turns out that part of what every early-20th-century 45-plus man should know is that it's okay for him to not want sex as much. "Don't worry," the book said (I'm paraphrasing), "your wife doesn't want to either." In other words, before the mass media started shoving little blue pills down everyone's throat, it was natural for mature couples to ease off a bit, and to focus on other ways of relating and loving.

This isn't to say that sex isn't a wonderful thing, and if you are having lots of it and are happy about that, that's a real gift from the Goddess. My suggestion is that a lessening of sexual energy – or rather, a transformation of it – in your Queen years can be a gift as well. In terms of the tarot, I see this as a shift from the Two of Cups, a Minor Arcana card, to the Lovers, in the Major Arcana. In the Two of Cups, the couple is gazing besotted at each other, sharing from a single cup of bliss, and nothing exists in the world but the two of them. Sexual intimacy joins the two souls through endless ecstatic union. Except, well, it does end. This is romance, the state of being "in love" and it comes and goes (and hopefully returns again and again). The Lovers card, on the other hand, is about true partnership, soulmates, the kind of love that doesn't depend on passion for its strength, though passion is certainly a part of it. Taken metaphorically, on the Queen's progress from Mother to Crone, her attention may shift from her relationship to ways in which that partnership can sustain larger work in the world. The lovers are not just gazing at each other. They are side by side, equals, sure in their connection and facing outward to the world together. This can become their new passion – to support the other in fulfilling lifelong dreams, travel, creative risk-taking, enjoying new freedom and abundance. It can also mean joining together to face new challenges of health, finances, milestones, and memories.

And what about those of you who are not in partnership, whether by choice or circumstance? I invite you to consider whether that's a good thing or not, rather than immediately assuming there is an emptiness there that needs to be filled. Queens need love and connection, and there are many ways to find that in addition to a one to one partnership. Love of family, of friends, of community, of co-workers and circle sisters and email-pals and those you provide help for, and those who are permitted to help you. Animals add to this list of love in their own precious way.

Aside from the obvious messages about intimate relationships, the Lovers card is also about choice. Traditionally, this was interpreted as a choice between "sacred and profane love" – and the metaphor still works. Sacred love can be between two people, and it can also be between a human and the Beloved, in the spiritual sense of the word – the beloved deity, the sacred source, the divine beauty that is all around us, waiting to be loved. Profane love, on the other hand, could be seen as searching for something outside ourselves to fulfill us, some other person to complete us, something worldly to satisfy us. Choosing sacred love, and finding rightful expression of that love, may come more easily to the Queen than to the Maiden or the Mother, simply because the biological signals aren't blasting at us in the same way they did when we were younger. Increased courage, strength, and independence can turn us toward making other choices about where to place our sacred love.

Take some time to think about what or who is your Beloved at this stage of your life. It may be that you have more than one, and choices may come into play again, as symbolized by the Lovers card. The choice, for example, between a mate who wants and deserves your attention, and a creative calling that pulls you as well. Finding the balance between multiple sacred loves might be symbolized by the angel that hovers between the Lovers in Rider-Waite-Smith versions of the card. Honoring your Beloved means being true to yourself, as all Queens are. This isn't thoughtless self-absorption, which the Maiden strays into from time to time, nor is it self-sacrifice, as the Mother does again and again in caring for her loved ones. The Queen proclaims her right to her Beloved in a fully empowered and healthy way. No more apologies for taking time for your art, your writing, your friends, your ambitions, your dreams. By modeling a well-balanced self-expression, you encourage others to do the same, including your own children if you have them.

Let's do some divination to help you begin to put the many loves of your life into proper priority. Take your favorite tarot deck or wisdom deck, and look through the cards, consciously choosing cards to represent the things you love. These may be people, animals, projects, pursuits, and so on – a sample list might include your mate, your daughter, your dog, your best friend, reading, knitting, travel, and the Goddess. Don't worry that these aren't in order – that's the next step! Take your time in choosing as many cards as feels right to you. (It may help to make a list before you begin choosing cards, and then write down the card names next to the subjects, especially if your list is rather long or your memory rather spotty!)

When you feel complete in choosing cards, turn the cards face down and hold them gently in your hands. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and calmly, and bless all your loves with heartfelt gratitude for their presence in your life. Acknowledge that the reality of earthly time and space means you need to choose where you place your energy from day to day, in order that all loves may be honored. When you feel peaceful and centered in your purpose, mix the cards in your usual way, then lay them face-down in a pyramid spread: one card at the top, then two cards below that, then three cards, and so on until all your cards are laid out (put any remainders in the bottom row).

Turn over the top card: this is where your primary love and bliss want to be directed right now. Turn over the next two cards. These are your next priorities, in order of the urgency with which your heart's desire needs to be expressed. Slowly and thoughtfully, turn over the other cards in their turn, and see how it all feels to you. Where do you resist the message? Where do you breathe a sigh of relief at the affirmation of what you've been feeling? Where do you anticipate challenge? Where will you find support and encouragement? In my own life, I know that often when I turn my attention toward a neglected bliss-path, everything suddenly seems to conspire to help me move forward, as if the Fates had just been itching to lend a hand, if only I wasn't so stubborn. Use this divination as a thought-starter in making choices that move you ever closer into the embrace of what you love. Be creative in exploring the ways in which you make a fully expressed love-life for yourself, with or without a romantic partner. The depths of love that can come in the time of the Queen can go far beyond the rapture of earlier stages of life, as you open yourself to the myriad aspects of the Beloved's presence.